Dear 16 year old me,
I’ve read many of these letters to peoples past selves and noticed that they give advice to their younger self. Don’t get me wrong you need advice right now, professional at times. But right now I wish I could get advice from you.
We’ve been through a lot since I was you. Don’t worry - that boy you’ve started seeing, he’s still there holding your hand. You live and breathe him and you can never imagine your life without him. You’ll be asked multiple times if you are engaged yet or wanting a baby and you’ll want to punch people in the face for it - but you won’t, because you are a calm and sensible human being. Sometimes. A whole 11 years together with laughter, fights over you leaving the washing in the washing machine and your favourite - your 3 cats. Which you’ll get far too attached to and struggle to leave, you are the definition of a cat mum.
Your life will change more, you’ll still live for football but it won’t consume your life just like it does right now and that’s probably for the best.
But right now I wish I had your courage and I wish I was as strong as you back then. It’s got hard again, mum isn’t doing well and it’s been scary. I don’t know how you did it back then and went to school pretending you were happy. You won the best personality in the yearbook and I honestly don’t know how - it was probably that ridiculous laugh of ours. I want you to tell me how to get through this again because now I get scared I won’t be able to do it all over again.
Sometimes I wish I could be back with you when things seemed hopeful. I still remember the day we got the call that mum was getting a transplant and we thought it would be all over. But don’t get me wrong, there’s a few good years and everything seems to be okay-ish. You were so brave and I’m really glad we got to go through that, it’ll come in handy in the future.
But I guess not everything is doom and gloom. You’ll see some friends come and go but that’s just growing up. It has nothing to do with your personality. You’ll still have the ones you need by your side and you’ll even travel the world with them. They’ll comfort you from the other side of the world when you think nobody loves you anymore. You’ll laugh and cry your way around Australia with them.
Then she’ll come and turn your life upside down - in the nicest way possible. You’ll find your best friend and your friend soulmate. She will understand every single thing and stand beside you when you need it, she’ll be on the other side of the phone calming you down and you’ll become obsessed with Harry Potter. I know you’ll be scrunching your face to that one. I’m sorry about that. She’ll become part of the family and will worry just as much as you worry because she looks at mum as her second mum too.
But honestly, I envy you and how brave and strong you are. I just wish I could go back to you and find out what changed. You’ll spend many days worrying about your career and if I could tell you one thing right now it would be you are not going to be the next Quentin Tarantino, so stop being such a film snob. But I’m glad that we never gave in to every school teacher that told us to go into a ‘real industry’. Because that wasn’t you and you’ve met some incredible people being creative.
I wish for us to be truly happy one day and content. I’m sure it’ll come and I hope it is just around the corner for us. I guess we have the same main goal right now and that’s mum. But it’s okay I’ve got her and I’m going to stand by her every day again and I’ll be there when she needs us, just like you were. She’s still as stubborn by the way and you’ll feel like you're the mum sometimes. But I guess the one thing you’ll get out of it is she becomes more than a mum. You’ll struggle without talking to her once a day and wait till you see the places you will go together. You’ll watch her laugh till she cries as she falls in Berlin, she’ll embarrass you by singing in the middle of Times Square and she’ll take you to the best pizzeria in Italy. She’ll spoil you and show you the world and you’ll be very grateful.
Your life really isn’t that bad. You are so lucky and you’ll realise that more as you grow up. So I guess as much as I wish I had your courage I can’t wait till you see who you have around you at this very moment. Every one of your friends will make you laugh every day, they care about you, they love you so much and that will be with you on those dark days. Because you don’t want to let them down. They keep you going.
Enjoy the ride
27 year old me x
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