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I didn't deserve it | Anonymous

I cheated. When I look back to my early adulthood I may have seemed like a happy, joyful person but I was constantly looking for validation. Validation, that I was pretty enough, good enough. I thought that to be good enough was to be pretty. I had a long term boyfriend who I had been with since I was 16. I would never have thought that as I got older I was the one committing infidelity, but was that a good enough reason to be raped.


I could start with the whole, “he cheated first,” and people saying “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Which I do not give thought to, because it is simply not true. I am now in a long term relationship, planning my wedding and have my first child and it has never crossed my mind to be unfaithful. I never will. I am happy and I guess you could say “validated”. Yes, he cheated first, second and third.. and fourth... why did I stick around I ask myself? I found myself digging myself into a bigger hole, moving in with him at the age of 16, leaving my loving home. I moved in with him thinking this would help us work through our issues. I found myself secluded, not seeing any friends or family and always staying at home in our bedroom. I felt stuck and trapped. He didn’t like when I had other friends, he didn’t like it if I went out without him, he didn’t like it if I went and stayed at my family home. Why?


Looking back now I didn’t do anything wrong, he did but back then, I thought I did. In my mind, it was my fault he cheated, it was my fault he wanted me to stay home, he cared, he loved me, it was ok for him to constantly cheat.


Eventually, after years, I started to build on my personality, as a woman who never had anyone look at her twice, I started to take more pride in my appearance, to look and feel good. I started working in a gym and started getting the attention I have never received before in all of my lifetime. Yes, it’s “typical woman” but to be honest I liked it. It felt...nice. Now I may seem like a “typical, attention” seeking girl (which may be a bad thing depending on who’s reading this) but now I see it’s quite normal, to feel wanted. Don’t let people tell you, it’s not and that you’re being “extra”. I was suffering depression, with low self-esteem and low self-confidence having only ever been with one guy later finding out it was because “he was dared to date you.” And It was nice to finally feel Seen. And that’s where my story began: “I know You want it, You like it, Stop saying no.” I think back and criticise myself, how did I get into these situations? Why didn’t I just get up and leave? Why didn’t I just yell and tell them to fuck off? I had a mobile phone, I could’ve called my sister for help or to come pick me up.


Men may not understand, but I know women will. It’s because that’s not an option. You have already said no, you have said no multiple times and that should be all you need to say. But it doesn’t stop. And... well, you stay. Hurt and scared and pretending everything is ok, up until you get home safely, showered and cuddles up in bed. Telling someone though was never a thought that crossed my mind. I always felt like I was “dibba dobbing”, you don’t want to tell people incase the story gets out and it’s spread around and said that it’s your fault for being in that situation. You don’t want to tell people incase that boy gets in trouble!? God forbid, the perpetrator gets in trouble for doing the wrong thing. So you hide it and keep it silenced in the back of your mind.


He probably doesn’t even know he did wrong. He probably never thinks about it. He probably never thought about you. But you do, you know he did wrong. You probably always think about it. You know he did it and he will never even know he did. I think back again, how did I get into these situations, this story is one of many.


All this happened when I was with my long term boyfriend. I cheated, yes. You say, I shouldn’t have been hanging out with other guys, I say, well it shouldn’t have been an issue, I shouldn’t have been raped. I don’t know what prompted me to write this, while I was having a shower getting ready to go out for date night, our first date night without my son, but I know I want boys to be held accountable for their actions and I will be trying my darned hardest to raise my son to understand the word NO.


DJM



This was sent to us as an anonymous submission.

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