My Story | Anonymous
I’m no writer, but I wanted to share my experience with someone. Someone who will understand. Someone who I don’t need to share my identity with for them to understand. I have only ever spoken to one friend about this experience.
The saddest part is that we made a connection and literally bonded over our similar experiences. She’s the only one I’ve properly opened up to about it all.
I was 16/17 and he was 17/18 during our 8 month relationship. My first ‘serious’ boyfriend and my first sexual partner. We were both young, but he seemed to be far more experienced than me. I was certainly naive.
Throughout the duration of those 8 months I was cheated on, multiple times, with multiple girls (even underage ones). I felt pressured to have sex often. It was never just once either. It was always multiple times, as if he needed to get his fix as many times as he could in the few hours we spent together. At one point I was waiting for STI results, due to his constant sleeping around. I was under strict instructions not to have sex until I had my results, as was he. It’s okay though, because we made sure to use a condom during this time.
One particular time I went to see him and was staying overnight. He had already been out with his friends and had either been drinking or had taken something. He could’ve just been drunk, but it seemed different from that. I had pre-warned him that I wouldn’t be able to have sex that night, because I had an infection. I was a little tender down there and was on antibiotics. That message clearly slipped his mind once I arrived. Even when I awkwardly laughed and tried to remind him, it didn’t seem to trigger his memory.
I didn’t try and fight him off. I didn’t really try and resist him. All I had said was “I can’t tonight”. He held my wrists, but not in a way in which he was trying to restrain me. It felt that way though. It was painful and I did cry afterwards, once he had rolled over to sleep for the night.
I felt violated, but it wasn’t his fault, right? It was my fault. I didn’t put up a fight, I didn’t make it clear that I didn’t want to or couldn’t have sex. I mean, I DID let it happen. He was in some way intoxicated, so how would he know?
We never spoke about what happened. After that, the next time I saw him was from my cousin’s car window, as we exchanged belongings. The best part is that HE broke up with ME... over text. But better yet, I was genuinely heartbroken about it all. I truly believed that this was love, as cringe as that sounds! I believed this was a normal relationship.
I’m not convinced he’s aware of what happened. It was just a normal overnight stay with his girlfriend. I genuinely believe that he wouldn’t think he did anything wrong that night or throughout the whole of those 8 months.
We did keep in contact over text for a while after we broke up. He would often try to convince me to go visit him, but I never did. The last message I received from him was “Am I still the only person you’ve slept with?”. 10 months after our break up and I was finally able to say “No.”
I have never heard from him since. It’s taken until more recent years for me to realise how messed up the whole thing was. I am in a very happy and healthy relationship now. Trust is in no way an issue and I have never felt violated or used in anyway. I live with a man who considers himself a feminist and would never even utter the words “Not all men”. That makes a difference. I feel supported and safe.
We need to do better, as a society. At 16/17 I should’ve know that these behaviours weren’t normal. HE should’ve known it wasn’t normal. We need to be educating young people so that they can understand what is assault, harassment and consent are. We need to do better. Men need to do better. I honestly don’t even know why I’ve written and sent this to you. I don’t know what you’re supposed to do with this information. But it feels nice to tell someone. Thanks for sticking it out til the end.
This was sent to us as an anonymous submission.