Rise and Fall | Emma Auld
I sit in my car looking out the window knowing what is about to happen.
The rain interrupted the silence. I’m numb.
I feel exhausted and want it all to slip away. I open the door and sigh as I take the steps towards a new version of my life. A life that will be sculpted by these moments, a life that will be different for me.
I sit waiting on my name being called looking around at the women, women crying and stern faces. I shake and sweat - my pores revealing my true self to the room. My name being called is a whisper but loud enough for everyone to hear.
A silent acknowledgement to her as I enter the room and lay on the cold bed, instructions being read out but all I can think of is my breathing. My rib cage expands and I watch as it falls slowly. Two women looking at a screen as I stare at my chest, rising, falling, rising and falling.
They look at me but I don’t look back.
Another waiting room, another name call, another blood test, another form to sign.
Then I’m lonely.
Two weeks pass, my never ending story taking over my life with no outcome. Then I start a new job, meeting new people, hand shakes and “are you at uni?” Small talk and introductions passing my day. Then it all ends there.
I’m in the bathroom surrounded by a mess, tears falling down my face sliding away with joy and hatred for myself. I feel dirty wanting to strip off of all my troubles that are sitting in this toilet cubicle with me. I have nobody and I am terrified.
Red stains on my hands, my stomach and all down my legs. I’m met by nobody at home and another lonely night ahead. Muting my phone and ignoring the world. I need to focus on myself now I say to myself, it’s a whisper like I’m keeping a secret.
I step in the shower and watch it all disappear wishing my memories could swirl round the plug like the evidence. I let the room steam up and try to breathe through the heaviness. I look down at my naked body and I’m fixed on my chest. I watch it rise and fall and rise and fall.
A circle of life and a body wanting to return to its former self but knows that it will never be the same. The curves of my body stained with the red forever.
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